How to recover from a breakup without losing your mind

This post is dedicated to my ex – who helped me learned that sometimes a break up can be the best thing that happens to you.

My last breakup was years ago – almost 4 years ago. If someone had told me that the break up would be the best thing that happened to me, I’d never believe them. Because back then, I was a too busy drowning in my emotions. I had been through breakups before but this one did a number on me and all my friends and family could see it. But your biggest failures are always your biggest lessons. If you’re going through a break up these are my top tips to a fast recovery.

Process your emotions

Whether you’ve been dumped or are  the dumpee, you need to accept the emotions as they come.

I’ve seen man women try to suppress this only to have feelings of anger and resentment show up in their new relationships. I see them punishing their new man for mistakes their ex’s made. It may be tempting to put on a brave face but confronting your emotions is the best way to get over a break up quickly.

Stop fantasizing about the relationship – it wasn’t perfect to begin with

This was a big lesson learned for me. In every relationship there are upsides and downsides and yet when we go through a breakup, we tend to only place emphasis on all the good things that happened in the relationship. We fantasise about the perfect relationship we’re missing out on and forget about all those reoccurring issues that may have occurred in the relationship. When we stop the fantasies and see the relationship for its good and bad, it’s easier to neutralise our feelings towards it. Mike* was charming, gregarious and thoughtful but he was also distant, noncommittal and selfish. Yet when I was going through that breakup, I could only focus on the good things I was missing out on.

Get rid of the triggers

When you’re going through a breakup, every little thing reminds you of your ex. Music playing in the background, a funny phrase, a character you see on TV…etc. If you know you’ll encounter triggers throughout your day i.e. your favourite spot in the park. Avoid them. There’s no doubt you’ll already have the break up on your mind. There’s no use in adding self-inflicted pain by indulging in those triggers.

Understand that everything you’re feeling right now is temporary

Your world could be turned upside down. You don’t know when you’ll feel like yourself again. A break up could feel like the end of the world. A bit dramatic? Maybe. But I know from personal experience that when you invest so much time with someone, it could feel like that. But those feelings won’t last forever. Think of the experience as a chapter in your book. Once you turn the page into a new chapter, the past is past – if you let it stay there.

Don’t listen to break up timelines

Everyone has a different way of dealing with grief. You’re grieving over a death of a relationship. They say it takes about half the time of your relationship to get over someone. So if you were in a relationship for 2 years, it would take you 1 to get over your ex. Keep in mind though, that this also depends on who initiated the breakup. The person who initiates the breakup always has a shorter recovery time. It’s likely that they’ve checked out of the relationship well before it was ending.

30everafter fun fact: 30everafter.com started from a breakup that happened in 2013. I needed a creative outlet and started writing about being suddenly single in your 30s.

As you can imagine, it started out with a lot of stories about breakups:

Moving on from a breakup in your 30s

What happens after a blind side breakup

The art of letting go

When you’re suddenly 30 and single

43% of men regret breaking up with their ex partner