A Sex Therapist’s Guide To Keeping Your Partner Sexually Satisfied

Having a sexually satisfied partner is an important aspect of having a fully well rounded and satisfying relationship. A lot of our human desires for closeness as well as physical tension release are directly complemented by having a partner nearby willing to help satiate those desires. Having a partner nearby who’s capable of scratching those itches but is either unwilling or unable to however can slowly sap at our sanity until we hit a breaking point. Minor issues can become huge, benefit of the doubt doesn’t come by so easily, and in general it’s just a crappy time for all.

So to help you keep things satisfying in the bedroom, here are a few sex therapist approved strategies:

Communicate Openly With Your Partner

Lots of people segregate their sexual beings and their “regular” beings from their partner. Sexual topics don’t need to be, actually they really shouldn’t be left strictly in the bedroom. When both you and your partner have an opportunity, you should take inventory of how they’re feeling about your sex life. It’s important to be as candid and realistic as possible without being outright rude. You can ask about what kind of things you do already that your partner absolutely adores while also focusing on where you might be lacking. This discussion should be a back and forth where both of you work together to figure out how to get each other’s motors going time and time again. You might be surprised by what simple yet overlooked aspects of your sex life might come out in these discussions, it is really easy to get caught up in our own heads and forget what’s really important.

Be Open To Experimentation

Lots of gaps in your current sexual regime can only be discovered by experimenting. After all, sexual development is an ongoing process, you might not know what really gets you turned on unless you try new things. An easy start is often roleplaying or using something like a bathrobe sash to engage in some light bondage. Even investing in sex toys can be worthwhile in figuring out what kind of stimulation you respond best to, now with toys like wearable vibrators you can engage in sexual play different from what you’re used to and even bond over trying to figure out the toy together. Other things like trying new positions is also a great form of experimentation since nobody is really averse to the idea but the possibility to find great ways to hit sensitive spots are all the same. Spontaneity and sex go together hand-in-hand, I doubt anyone in a sexually satisfying relationship follows a strict script day in and day out.

Don’t Treat Sex As A Race To The Finish For Either Of You

Most poor conceptions of sex stem from people failing to conceptualize sex in a way conducive to a worthwhile session. People tend to be a) over-focused on penetration, and b) over-focused on orgasm. Sex should be a mutual sharing of your bodies to give pleasure to the other person at any level of intensity. If all you’re focusing on is both people having an orgasm there’s so much more to sex you aren’t giving the proper weight. I’m talking about things like investing in foreplay or doing specific acts just for your partner. Think about your most fulfilling sexual encounters, were they just all about orgasm? I think not! Chances are they were a great mixture of push-and-pull sexual tension mixed in with lots of spontaneous, unpredictable actions. Far too many men go 100% all-in right off the bat instead of using sexual tension to their advantage to both make them last longer as well as exploit the mental aspects of sex.

Get Educated

Our education on sex is woefully lacking, both from the schools and from our parents. Parents tend to give a very sanitized version of sex ed with the main goal of avoiding unwanted pregnancies and STDs, while schools give a very scientific presentation of all things relating to sex & sexual organs. I’d say that their scope shouldn’t really change, there’s just a lot of education that has to be self-driven if you really want to consider yourself educated enough to satisfy your partner(s) for years to come. Read up about the other gender’s sexual organs and what makes them work. Most men for instance don’t realize that a large percentage of women can’t reach orgasm without some level of clitoral stimulation, while many women don’t realize just what parts of the penis are the most sensitive. If you have a proper understanding of the genitals involved and how they factor into sexual pleasure, you’re in a better spot than a huge subset of the population.

Don’t Fall Prey To Tunnel Vision

We also tend to overfocus on our genitals during sexual encounters, seeing as they’re the main tools used. That doesn’t mean the body isn’t filled with other erogenous zones like the thighs, waist, ears, etc. Mutual rubbing and touching can do a lot more than even the best blow/hand/any -jobs ever can. This is because we have a physical response to sexual touch that released a whole whack load of different chemicals in the brain. This kind of tender touching before, during, or after a sexual encounter helps fan the flames of intimacy between two people while completely circumventing any anxieties surrounding our private parts. Don’t think the genitals are the only things involved in sexually satisfying someone: it’s a whole body experience.

Remember To Relax

It can be extremely counterintuitive to put loads of pressure on either of you to do things that sexually satisfy the other. Sexual satisfaction is achieved not by forcing it, but by creating an environment conducive to it. That means both you and your partner should just relax and delight in each other’s presence. A man should try not to worry about how long he’ll last or if his body is up to par while a woman should do her best not to worry about “letting her man down”. No two sexual encounters are exactly alike thanks to the spin our mental state places on things, even if the same actions are undergone. So light some candles, kiss your partner gingerly, then get ready to connect physically & emotionally.

Never Give Up

Rome was not built in a day, nor are the perfect relationships. Communication is at the start of this list because it’s what is going to prime you for the long journey ahead. It’s about getting both of you on the same page that actual effort is being put in place from both parties into making your sex life something other couples should be envious of. Don’t see delayed progress as a setback but instead as just part of the overall process. This includes things out of your control like impaired function, if your partner knows about it and the fact that you’re talking to doctors trying to figure it out, they’re a lot less likely to just accept it as something that won’t ever change. Always stay chipper, and always keep moving forward.

Parting Words

What you’re trying to do isn’t something exceedingly simple, but it’s entirely worth it. Lots of what’s actually going to help you won’t come from the Internet or any book, it will come from the two of your learning from each other. This shouldn’t be treated as a checklist or recipe for sexual satisfaction, but instead a foundation to prime the growth you’re seeking. A lot of what’s required lies already within you & your dearly beloved. Consider the song about Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, at the end of the song both people ended up finding out there was so much about the other person they could have appreciated had they just put in the proper effort.

Thanks to Angela Watson for the tips!

Photo by Yohann LIBOT on Unsplash

Iona

Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating. She works with single women to write their own love stories.

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