We’re creatures of comfort, so when change presents itself we’re more likely to hide from it than embrace it, the same goes for relationships and our detrimental patterns. The thing about sabotage is we don’t see it coming, especially when we are the ones who sabotage our relationships then wonder what went wrong.
By identifying our sabotaging ways, we’re more inclined to seek the proper changes we need to make to stop ourselves from these behaviours in future, see if you recognise any of these 6 forms of sabotage within yourself and your relationship.
It’s too good to be true
When a relationship is going all too well we can become worried; your anxieties start to run wild because you think the relationship is going so well that something bad is about to happen. It’s a ‘calm before the storm’ mentality that produces negative thoughts and you’re preparing yourself for the worst, even if nothing bad will happen.
The relationship is going great you can’t handle it and you actually start doing the damage that you anticipated would happen after all. Simply put, you’re subconsciously creating friction in your relationship because you’d rather have control over the ‘storm’ than it come at you when your guard is down, leaving you open to being hurt. See your worth and know the relationship isn’t going anywhere, it’s just flourishing so embrace it!
When the going gets tough
There’s a fine line between leaving when it’s tough and leaving when it’s the right thing to do; you need to identify within yourself if you struggle to put up with the hard times in a relationship because you see no light at the end of the tunnel or you’re not feeling it anymore. When it comes to relationships dealing with the difficult times can lead to a brighter and better future for you both.
Whether your relationship gets through the hard times or not, if you go through them you’ll come out with a lesson being learned either way. If you avoid all conflicts and hardships, you won’t know how you deal with heavy situations when they arise or show your partner you can put your fears aside to fight for them; you might just come out stronger than ever!
I’m not good enough for you
Constantly telling yourself you don’t deserve your relationship invites feelings of doubt, anxiety and negative thought patterns like jealousy and insecurity. We’re wired to highlight negative thoughts over positive ones and give our self-worth a bit of a beating when it comes to what we think we deserve.
Fortunately, the brain is a muscle that needs constant training so if you work on having a positive narrative in your headspace each day you’ll see optimal results through all aspects of your life. Sabotaging your relationship this way can also show your partner you don’t feel confident when you’re with them – work on yourself to boost your own confidence and your relationship. Change the narrative, change your confidence!
Ignoring red flags
We stay in toxic relationships past their expiration date because they’re familiar and comfortable to us; we find big changes like a breakup to be very drastic and full of ‘what ifs’. Though we will never know what’s on the other side of a breakup until we get there, it can still be difficult to comprehend and fully accept – this is why we refuse to make changes even when it’s the right thing to do.
Toxic relationships play out longer than they should as you’re refusing to accept there will be a healthier relationship in your future. Give yourself the freedom to find someone who will do anything for you, and give yourself permission to bring your light back to shining bright.
All talk no action
You’re the kind of person who talks about doing things but never goes through with it – until something is put into motion you’ll be stuck in this cycle of all talk and no action. You may possess certain behaviours or characteristics you know need work but you can’t seem to change them
Whether it’s emotional raw spots that are easily triggered or want to change the way you react to situations, you won’t be able to make positive changes until you identify the root cause. Discover your patterns as they’re happening; by bringing your emotions to ground level you can identify and acknowledge how you’re feeling rather than being caught up in them.
Be more like me
While it’s natural to take on behaviours and share them with our partner, you may expect them to complete tasks the way you do it after a while. Some partners easily adapt to each other’s ways of doing tasks while others find it more difficult to do things at another level or pace. This often sparks arguments about housework or errands because couples can’t see eye to eye.
A relationship is about two individuals coming together; you have separate ways of processing and completing tasks. Rather than setting expectations that will only disappoint you, change the way you see your standards for them. Don’t try to change who they are because it’s ‘my way or the highway’ but aim to accept their process and let go of unrealistic expectations.
Dr Lurve is Australia’s leading love & relationship coach. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org