The kind of woman men date vs the one they marry can look awfully alike. It’s not until a relationship is ready to progress that you find out which one he views you as.
I can’t count the number of times men have said something along the lines of:
“She’s great and things are great for now but I can’t see myself marrying her…”
If you want to save time and check that you two have the what it takes to go the distance: look at this one thing…
Because looks, physical chemistry and even emotional intimacy can get you so far.
These things can get you both to a point of a very happy relationship.
But if you’re core values aren’t aligned i.e how you want to raise your children, religious beliefs, how you spend your money, what kind of future you want to have… your relationship is likely to have an expiry date.
A leaf from my own relationship stories:
When I first met my ex, I thought he was the full package: intelligent, charming, down to earth, humble. He earned above a 6 figure salary which to me (at the time) signalled responsibility and security. I earned a decent salary and thought our connection and shared interests would make us a great match for something long term…
Until I found out that he was 110% reckless with his finances. It was one dollar in, two dollars out with no end in sight. And even though it wasn’t my own money, I thought about what our finances would look like if we pooled them.
I know, I know…happiness is not all about money. But the reality is, it buys comfort, security and stability – those are all the things I want to offer my future family. And I just couldn’t imagine him being the guy to help me do it.
How much someone earns doesn’t matter as much as how he manages his finances. And seeing him with his money issues raised huge alarm bells for me.
The relationship ended. (Thank goodness!).
When Matt and Chelsea were perfect for each other, except for this one thing:
They had undeniable, enviable chemistry and a connection that made other couples wish they were them. But Chelsea is from a Jewish family and she couldn’t envision a life where her husband didn’t share the same faith. As much as Matt tried to make it work (without converting), 2 years of dating later, they threw in the towel. It wasn’t just Matt’s faith. The issues that came up as a result of different values also trickled down to how they were going to raise their family, which schools their kids would go to, what faith they’d have…
So, how do you know if there’s a mismatch in values?
What you can do is, ask the questions early. Often women are afraid to call out what they want because they’re afraid they’ll chase a guy away. But with the right approach and communication tools that draw him closer, these talks can actually strengthen your bond as a couple.