When I was in my mid-20s and all my guy friends were still in the dating pool they used tell me about their hesitations about dating 30 somethings. Some men just fear dating 30 something singles.
While the appeal of dating an older woman was enticing they weren’t ready for the level of perceived responsibility that came with dating someone in your 30s. Here are 5 times when age is more than a number.
*Disclaimer: this isn’t a reflection of the whole male population, just what I see to be a popular opinion. Whether a guy wants to pursue a relationship will always depend on his life stage, feeling and his emotional connection with you.
They feel rushed to make a lifetime decision
Bill and Andrea had been dating for 2 months before the ‘m’ word came up. Up til that point things were going really well. He was consistent in setting up dates, texting daily, showering Andrea with affection. But when Andrea brought up marriage she was intent on getting engaged in 12 months. All of a sudden Bill had a deadline. All the fun and flirty conversations they used to have were now replaced with talks about getting married, something bill wasn’t sure if he wanted.
To Andrea, it seemed perfectly normal to ask to be engaged. She didn’t want to waste any more time and wanted to filter out the men who weren’t interested.
To bill, he felt like he was pressured to make a decision about his future in what felt like little time.
This is a typical example of mismatched timelines. People progress in relationships at different speeds. It’s important that you spend time building an emotional connection. You want to know the guy has everything you’re looking for (do you know what you’re looking for? ‘A long-term relationship with a nice guy’ does not count)
How to slow it down:
- Mindset work, I cannot emphasize this enough. When you are feeling rushed to find someone, you date from a place of fear, of scarcity. This attracts the wrong types of relationships, the ones you stay in waaay longer than you should.
- Get to know your relationship needs
- Take the time to evaluate if a guy can fulfill those needs
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. Most people don’t get what they want in life because they’re scared to ask for it.
They don’t want to waste a woman’s time
Depending on where a man is at in life, he may have other priorities. As mentioned before, men may not fear commitment but there are reasons he may not want to take that leap. If they know that their career comes first, he may feel bad wasting a woman’s time, especially if they feel babies and marriage are what she wants. And I have so much respect for these men who can understand that and let a woman go. I feel strongly that it’s what every guy dating a 30 something should do. If you don’t see a future with a woman, let her go. Stop messing with some other guy’s future.
“It’s no surprise that women in their 30s will likely want to get married. If that’s not what I want and I know I can’t give that to her, I won’t go there”, Ben 29
How not to waste time in a relationship:
What men can do:
Let her go if you don’t have a shared vision of the future
What women can do:
If a relationship looks like it’s going nowhere, be brave and let it go. Make room for someone who is ready for the relationship and commitment you want. Don’t keep dating someone because there’s no one better.
They think they’re just a checkbox on someone’s to-do list.
This is what Cristian says about some of the singles he dated: “I couldn’t tell if they were dating me because they loved me or because they had ‘get a man’ on their to-do list and I just so happened to be there at the right place and time.
Men are afraid of commitment for many reasons. We go through this in detail in Goodbye Casual Dating!. One of these fears is not being loved for who they are.
“I know so many friends who just rushed into marriage. And they’re divorced. They got married because everyone was doing it”.
What to do:
- repeat the same action points from above
The challenges of dating in your 30s are real. I get it:
- the dating pool gets smaller
- there is a stigma around being single especially in different cultures
- the biological clock
For many 30 something single women, it can feel like you’re in limbo, stuck waiting for life to happen, waiting for something (anything) to change. Here’s the thing though, if you keep falling into the same dating patterns, you will not see change. So if you’re sick and tired of trial and error in dating, take massive action.
If any of the following thoughts have crossed your mind, good news. All you need is a shift in mindset, something you have 100% control over:
Are you dating from a place of fear and panic?
Thinking you’re running out of time?
Seeing everyone in relationships and thinking ‘why her and not me?’
To build a mindset that attracts healthy love, you’ll love the FREE mindset makeover challenge or the full Mindset Makeover program.
To understand men and commitment, check out Goodbye Casual Dating
To make uncover your roadblocks, understand your needs, build self-confidence to flirt and date along with someone to keep you accountable, see Lucky in Love.
Not ready for the paid stuff? Totally understand. Start with my FREE mini-course to attract healthy love.