Dating Mindset: The 5 times your mindset sabotages your relationships


The 5 times your dating mindset gets in the way.

I often talk about how mindset is the secret sauce to attracting a healthy relationship with a good man, the kind you marry. Yet mindset work in relationship seems to be the best kept secret when it comes to love and attraction. Whenever I speak to a single women looking for dating advice, I can often figure out:

  1. What’s keeping her single
  2. What kind of mindset she has towards dating

And often I can learn about 1&2 just by asking one question:

How’s your love life going?

Here are the answers I often get:

  • I hate dating. All the online dating apps suck
  • Yea I guess I’m dating. Once in awhile I swipe left and right and then delete my app. They don’t work anyway so what’s the point?
  • I’m still single. The men out there are just shit. It’s like all the good men are taken
  • Yea I meet them. They’re all really strange though (and her definition of odd is a stranger approaching her to tell her she’s beautiful…)
  • I’m not seeing anyone right now. If I find him then great. I don’t need or want a man (meanwhile you know deep down she does)

I admit that the reasons keeping singles may be more complex depending on the individual circumstance BUT from what I’ve seen, these are 7 examples of a poor dating mindset. And if you can relate, it’s probably keeping you single.

This is what mindset sabotage looks like:

You think online dating apps suck

The number one frustration I hear about is how many matches women get and how rare these matches lead to online conversations and real dates. But if you go into online dating with those expectations in mind, you’ll be climbing an uphill battle. This mindset will reflect in the way you create your profile and the kind of men you’ll attract – like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What to do instead: If the idea of online dating makes you feel uncomfortable you can do two things: 1. explore why 2. ditch it all together and find new ways to meet people

You think there are no good men left

I recently went to a dinner party with 3 other single women. They were stunning, successful in their careers – the kind of women you meet and think “I can’t believe you’re still single”. As the night went on, one by one they told me about their dating stories about the drama that went on, about the guys who never stepped up. I quickly learned that they had high and unrealistic expectations. They didn’t think there were any good men left but the good men they referred to just didn’t exist.

What to do instead: Evaluate your definition of a good man. Because what you think you want in a relationship isn’t necessarily what you need in a man. So often women I work with end up with a completely different kind of man than their exes. If you don’t think there are good men left, it may be time to redefine what a good man is to you.

Related: How Heidi found her ‘one’

You say you attract the wrong men

This is a juicy one and comes from women who always dates a certain type. They say bad guys are just drawn to them. If someone is dating with this kind of mindset they’ll always be drawn to the same type of guys. Often referred to as learned hopelessness, they accept that this is their fate and just roll with it. But this could not be further from the truth. Those who draw in the bad guys do it for two reasons:

  1. They seek what they’re familiar with
  2. They feel like their place in a relationship is to fix or help someone

What to do instead: Identify your relationship patterns. What kind of guy do you usually date? Why? Look at the reasons for the relationship ending. Do you see a pattern?

Related: Why you keep dating the wrong men

You feel time is running out

This is one mindset I can completely relate to. When I was single in my early 30s I struggled to fend off my anxiety about being single. There’s a lot of pressure to find the right one so I did everything to silence my biological clock. Turns out in doing everything and dating everyone in a panic, I attracted the wrong men and scared a lot of good ones away.

What to do instead: Do the inner work. Find what triggers the anxiety and have a remedy ready to go when your anxiety is triggered. I cover this in Mindset Makeover.

You’re ok without a man, you don’t need one

I hear this all the time from women who say they don’t need a man but their actions tell me otherwise. Sometimes they say this from a place of bitterness and sometimes it comes from their ego. And sometimes it comes from fear – the fear of not getting what you want when you full out ask for it.

What to do instead: Decide. Know what you want. Don’t think whether it’s possible or not (it’s possible). If you can’t commit to the idea of wanting a relationship, it’ll be very hard to attract someone who’s on the same page. It’s kind ok like saying to someone: “hey I don’t know what I want. I’m kind of in limbo land, want to meet me there?”. No one wants to go to limbo land…

At some point, most singles have shared the feelings above. But those who attract good relationship and quality men are the ones who acknowledge them and move on. Because they know that it’s very possible for them to attract healthy love and that it’s just right around the corner for them. I’ve experienced this myself and have witnessed my clients go through the transformation.

If you change your mindset, you’ll change your world. If you want to learn how to create the mindset that attracts the good guys, check out Mindset Makeover.

Photo by Maira Gallardo on Unsplash



Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating. She works with single women to write their own love stories.