I don’t know many women who don’t want to be chased. Who doesn’t love to feel wanted and needed? And so imagine the disappointment when a guy you like suddenly stops pursuing you with no warning. He stops asking you out on dates, he stops texting you and you’re left wondering
- if he’s still alive
- if he’s just lost interest
- c) if he’s lost his phone
- d) or maybe your phone doesn’t work so you ask your friends to call/text you just to check…
It’s so frustrating to play the guessing game when this guy was so keen on you from the get go. So what happened? Depending on their communication style, some men avoid confrontation like the dentist and so if you’ve come across someone like this, they’re probably just too hesitant to tell you the real reason why he’s pulled away.
If this has happened to you and you have no idea why he’s gone from hot to cold, here are a few reasons why your man may have pulled away:
- You stepped into your masculine
In every relationship there is a balance of masculine and feminine energy – it can be interchangeable. This means that a guy can hold the feminine while a woman can hold the masculine. Like in dancing, someone must take the lead. In the context of a relationship, when a guy stops leading, the woman may be inclined to pick up the slack and take the lead. Most assume that this is perfectly fine and it is…IF a guy wants to be chased rather than the one doing the chasing. When a woman and man switch roles in a relationship, it can throw the dynamic of the relationship into unfamiliar territory. Once a woman takes that role of the masculine and initiates everything in a relationship, it’s hard for a guy to take his place – especially if he’s used to leading in a relationship.
What to do: I’ve seen many women freak out when they haven’t heard from a guy in a day or two – it’s too soon to be wondering if he’s pulled away. Resist the urge to take on the role of the chaser – there are ways to receive and be chased without playing games and being manipulative.
2. He’s dating other people
In the age of apps and match making sites, dating is like a revolving door of hits and misses. You may have a great connection with one guy but he may be having even stronger connections with other women – there’s no telling where you stand until you’ve openly discussed it. But we tend to be impatient, we want the answers yesterday but will settle for right now. So we rush through the beginning of a relationship and are quick to decide if this person is a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. As I may have mentioned before, men and women have different timelines when it comes to a commitment. Men are quick to initiate the beginning stages of dating but slow down once they have to decide whether a woman could be more than just a short term fling.
What to do: Give it time at the beginning of a relationship. Take the time to really assess whether he’s right for you, whether he fulfils your emotional needs (we have a really great exercise for this in the 30 day bootcamp).
3. He has an avoidant attachment style
Not all men are commitment-phobes. There are some men who want to be in a relationship but are resistant to it because of their attachment style. In the context of relationships, people tend to have one of three attachment styles:
If your guy freaks out the minute you talk about your relationship and rejects all ideas of closeness, there’s a change he may be avoidant in relationships.
What an avoidant attachment style looks like:
- He makes a really big deal out of you leaving your toothbrush at his place and then eventually says he can’t make space for your things
- Thinks you’re being too needy when you suggest a date night every week
- Thinks you’re nagging when you ask him to call you (just to have a chat)
If you’re dating a guy like this, it could be so tempting to respond with what researchers call ‘protest behaviour’ i.e. giving him the guilt trip, making him jealous. But if you could understand the depth of his attachment style, it may be easier for you to connect with him.
Tip: Sometimes people display an irrational way of dealing with their situation + emotions but it’s often because there is something deeper that’s harder to recognise/deal with. Your guy may be freaking out over your toothbrush having a place in the bathroom but deep down, he could be afraid that you’re taking his freedom and independence away (for example).
The thing to successful relationships of any kind is to understand where people’s intention comes from, to get to know them on superficial levels where their behaviour may make no sense at all.
If you’re interested in learning more about understanding men and commitment, get on the waitlist for my next online programme for early bird pricing. Email iona (@) 30everafter (.) com with the subject heading ‘Men and commitment’.