The 7 times you get in your own way when dating

I’ve written about self-sabotage quite a bit but instead of sharing theories and concepts, this post highlights the 7 times you may be self-sabotaging your relationships. This is especially relevant for women who find the beginning of a relationship amazing only to see it fizzle after the 3-6 month mark.

7. When you haven’t heard from him in a day and you start freaking out

This usually happens to those who get anxious easily. When a man is consistently showing them affection, things are smooth sailing. But as soon as he misses a call or text, the imagination goes wild “is he seeing someone else?”, “maybe he got back together with his ex”, “maybe he’s lost interest”. You find yourself checking if the phone is on or if you’re wi-fi is working. You read and re-read all the messages you’ve exchanged until ‘ping!’, he texts and you’re fine again. But if his texts aren’t as frequent as they used to be (for various reasons) your thoughts goe wild again.

Often people don’t think their thoughts and imagination affect the outcome of a situation but when we have these thoughts in our minds, we show up differently in relationships. We are defensive and guarded because we are preparing ourselves for rejection when there has been no real clue that it’s about to happen.

6. When you don’t recognise the actions that come from your anxiety

I’ve met some women who are self-proclaimed bat s&*( crazy. They say that when their partner doesn’t call when he says he will or when he doesn’t want to spend a whole weekend with them, they lose it and see it as a sign that they don’t love them enough. What they don’t realise is that they’re not crazy. They act out because of their unmet needs. Anxious partners have needs that help them feel safe and secure in a relationship. It’s only when their needs are unmet that they ‘act out’. This happens to many – even those who claim to be rational in every area of their lives.

Tip: Learn to recognise what you need from a partner to feel secure.

5. You think all men are a-holes

I’ve written about this one before. Your thoughts are energy and your energy creates reality. If you’re thinking all men are a-holes and that’s what you choose to focus on, a-holes are all you’ll come across. To have good relationship with men, you need to shift your thinking towards your feelings for them.

Tip: If you’re thinking all men are a-holes are commitment phobes, write a list of all the men in your life who are in loving and committed relationships. You’ll see that there are plenty of good men left.

4. You haven’t defined what will make you truly happy and satisfied in a relationship

Everyone once in awhile, I’ll get someone who needs urgent help. Often they’re frustrated because another guy has let them down and they have no idea why. They tell me they’ve got a lot going for them and that they can’t understand why they can’t find someone that matches their (very specific and unrealistic) criteria. Having benchmarks is fine but when I question why they need a man who is 6”1 and in finance to make them happy, I often hear the sound of crickets.

3. You can’t identify your role in your dating patterns

There are two people in a relationship. If you’re constantly going through breakups, the common denominator is you. What happens as a result i.e. the fall out of a relationship…is all feedback from what you’ve co-created. I’ve worked with many women who’ve had a hard time attracting the right partner only to learn that it was them who wasn’t ready for a relationship.

2. When you want to speed things up and get to happily ever after

When things go really well at the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to get caught up in the dopamine that comes with falling in love. Everything is perfect and you just want to move things along quicker so you both can live happily ever after. You start to get frustrated that you’re not on the same page, so you push, you do things a wife would do to show him what he’s missing out on, you drop ‘subtle’ hints. The more you do these things the more he withdraws – so you try harder without knowing that you’re pushing him away. As you may already know, men and women have different commitment timelines. When two people aren’t working towards the same timeline, this is where a lot of miscommunication can happen and it can make or break a relationship.

1. When you can’t see that people can really love you for who you are

Self doubt can manifest itself in relationships in so many ways.

1: When you don’t believe you’re loveable so you go out of your way and extend yourself to convince them to love you (when they already do).

2: When you can’t believe the love is real so you do everything to prove it isn’t. As a result you pick fights and look for problems that aren’t really there.

3. You’re afraid to show people who you are in fear that they won’t accept you for who you are. So you never let your guard down thinking you’ll always be disappointed in the end.

I can delve into these 7 examples so much more but I would love to know which you’re most interested in learning about. If I can help, leave a comment below.

Dating and finding love has SO much to do with your mindset. To create a mindset that sets you up to attract that genuine and soul satisfying love, check out this Mindset Makeover course.


Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating. She works with single women to write their own love stories.