Things that go on behind bedroom doors isn’t usually something I write about but lately I’ve received a dozen of questions about gaining confidence in the bedroom. Despite how far we’ve progressed, sex is still quite a taboo topic (at least amongst the women I speak to). Coupled by the fact that the porn industry has given us a distorted view of what sex and intimacy should be, it’s no wonder so many of us have insecurities in the bedroom.
Confidence is the key to greater sex, but it’s easier said than done isn’t it? With some small simple steps, you can build it.
Everyone has insecurities
“Women get so caught up in how they look naked but we aren’t looking at their cellulite or flab. We are just happy to see them naked”, Duncan. Just as you have hang ups about your body, men have them as well. Matt, who spent most of his teens overweight couldn’t agree more: “I was overweight throughout high school. Even though I may look fit now, I’m still self conscious when my shirt comes off”. More often than not, people aren’t judging you. They’re concerned about how they look. Stop stressing about how your body looks and focus on theirs instead.
Prioritise self care
When you look good, you feel good. I’ve always adopted this philosophy. In my days at university, I dressed up for all my exams while many of my peers walked into an exam in their pjs, looking disheveled from a night of cramming. Feeling good helped me feel confident. If you don’t feel good in your own skin, you can change that. Create a regular routine that makes you feel fit and toned i.e. sign up for burlesque (though there is a serious shortage of these in Sydney right now) or pole dance classes. Schedule in manicures and pedicures or monthly facials. Many women I speak to think they’ll gain confidence once they lose 5kg or once they get a certain guy to like them but there are so many things you can do now to look and feel great.
Experiment a little
Even with a devoted partner, it can be hard to drop your guard and express what you really need in the bedroom. If there is something new you want to try in the bedroom, try to talk to your partner about it or surprise him with a toy. “Most men I know would welcome trying something new, especially if you’ve been sleeping with the same person for the past 5 years”, Mike. Visiting a sex shop may be a bit daunting so I always prefer browsing online. If you’re in Australia, this online sex store has a range of toys and lingerie for your to browse through. If you are a prude (like I am), there are some entry level toys to get you started. You’d be surprised by the number of couples and singles who use some kind of toy in bed. “I think many women associate sex toys with kink but there shouldn’t be any shame with experimenting. It makes things exciting”, Matt
Getting to know your own body is critical to learning what you want and need in bed. Sex experts often talk about taking matters into your own hands and enjoying some solo time. “How are we to know if we’re doing it right if the women don’t know themselves?”, Derrick. How can you communicate your needs to your partner if you don’t know what you need?
Dress the part
It’s amazing how a piece of clothing (or lack there of) can instantly make you feel like a Victoria’s Secret bombshell. Regardless of your size and body shape, lingerie can help accentuate all the right curves. Victoria’s Secret is always a winner but lately I’ve been loving Pleasure State. A quick informal survey with my guy panel says any lingerie involving garters are always welcome. Getting dressed up for the occasion makes you feel confident and gives you just the ego boost you need. Treat yourself to some sexy lingerie and notice how it transforms the mood for both you and your partner. He won’t know what hit him.
Talk yourself up
Instead of worrying about your butt, breasts, stomach, thighs…etc, get inside your own head and tell yourself how incredible you are. Do this on a regular basis – especially before and during sex, and you’ll retrain your brain to shift away from any negative thoughts.
Focus on the moment
Be present. Breathe deep and focus on your body and its reaction to how your partner is touching you and how it feels. If something isn’t working for you, let your partner know. Honesty is the best policy. I don’t know any woman who wants to spend the rest of her life faking it.
Spray on sex-appeal
If there is a special scent that makes you feel wonderful and boosts your confidence, dab it on for an instant boost before bedtime. I personally love anything by Stella McCartney but fragrance is so subjective. You should go with the scents you love.
Set the tone
Appeal to all senses. Use a dimmer to give your digs a nice soft shadow, build a fire or light a scented candle or two. Pick a slow jams playlist on Spotify. If you have funky bedsheets i.e. sheets of your favourite sports team or pop idol, now is the time to change them.
How to gain confidence FAST
This is actually a lot easier than it sounds. Think about the sexiest women you know or have seen in films. What do they have in common? What makes them so sexy? It’s their confidence. Everyone has their own body hang-ups, especially the images of so called perfection you see in fashion shows and Instagram. The great news is that confidence is something you can build and learn – you’ve got this. Try visualising the desired outcome for the night. In an ideal night, how are you feeling? How is your partner responding to you? Visualise everything you want to happen.
In all honesty, I think many men and women get caught up in their own insecurities in the bedroom. If we were to stop overthinking it, we’d all have a lot more fun in the bedroom.
If you have any other suggestions to help boost confidence in the bedroom, leave them in the comments!