Can Chemistry Build Over Time?

They say you either have it or you don’t. But when it comes to matters of the heart, does it apply? Is chemistry an instant reaction or can it build overtime? I’ve personally experienced two types of chemistry – one that is instinctual the other gradual. The former is instant attraction coupled by a connection. The latter is discovering the connection over time. Many argue that you can’t develop chemistry but I disagree. Think of all the times you suddenly developed feelings for someone you initially dismissed as a prospect (Read Can Guys and Girls Just Be Friends?).

So how can chemistry build over time? It has to start with attraction (which does not equate to chemistry necessarily) but through personality compatibility and an emotional connection, chemistry can build over time. Sure you can meet someone and find them attractive but now that I’m older, I look to more depth in the people I date. So whereas in my 20s I was dating to see what was out there, in my 30s I know what’s out there (a mixed bag). Instead of just good looks, I look for the whole package (personality, ambition, self-value, how they treat their family…etc). Because it takes time and emotional investment to get to know someone beyond looks, it makes way for a deeper connection as well. Having this set of new criteria also means I’m less susceptible to infatuation (yes!). For me, a person can get more and more attractive with the personality and having shared goals as I do. So does this mean you should give every guy a chance in hopes you can create the chemistry? Probably not – because if there’s no attraction whatsoever to begin with, it won’t work. Can attraction build overtime? Now that’s for another blog post.

WHAT THE GUYS THINK

Jack: Chemistry is always there and never goes away. Whenever I see my exes I immediately feel attracted toward them, that’s chemistry. My ex Alicia and I can never see each other again because of what happens when we do!

Nick:

My instinctive answer is no! There is either physical chemistry or there is not. I think it is definitely possible to develop mutual respect and love over time. In many cultures where arranged marriages are the norm, this is the way of the world. However, without initial chemistry there will never be the kind of relationship that comes from true, raw animal magnetism. 

I am a highly tactile man, so touch, smell and taste is an incredibly important factor when it comes to chemistry and choosing a partner.

Regardless of whether the woman in front of me is the most physically beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on, if I am not pulled in by her scent, everything else is null and void.

I also believe chemistry can be manufactured and ultimately manipulated by conversation topics, touch, body language, etc. There are significant studies on men and women that indicate even discussing the topic of sex will have a significant physiological impact.

Ultimately, I believe there is either chemistry or there is not. If chemistry exists, then there is the possibility of becoming partners. If not, friendship is the path to take.

This opens up the door for a discussion about what is a better approach from a dating standpoint based on the type of person someone is. In the past I would sleep with women on the first or second date, but in recent times I have pulled back considerably and delayed the physical aspects. Given I am a tactile creature, would it be better to sleep with the woman immediately, then work out whether they have all the other aspects suitable for a relationship? Hmmmmm….