The Scariest Thing I Hear Women Say


I’m used to hearing negative self talk and male bashing but the scariest thing I hear women say is something along the lines of:

“Once I meet a man, I’ll settle down and everything will fall into place”..

“I want to meet a man that can make me happy and be my best friend”.

“I need a man who can be my everything”.

I do believe that romantic relationships enrich your life. Sharing your life with someone teaches you how to love, compromise and experience new things. But the problem with those statements above is that it implies we can’t be happy without a man and that is the scariest thing.

I have many readers who write me asking advice on where and how they can meet their man. Because the issue always lies deeper than the question, I always ask why they want to meet a man. 8 out of 10 times it’s because they think a man can make their lives better some how. They think being with a man can:

  • increase their self esteem,
  • fix things that she can’t,
  • make her happy,
  • give her a better life.

While a man can totally give you all those things, expecting them to do it is a different issue. And here’s why.

You give away your power

Relying on someone else for your happiness is like putting someone else in the driver’s seat of your life. The only relationship that is guaranteed to last a lifetime is the one you have with yourself, if you don’t know how to create your own happiness, you’ll always be at the mercy of someone else.

It puts a lot of pressure on everyone else

When I first met Liz, she had just broken up with her boyfriend. They dated for 2 years and she had been nagging him about an engagement ring. When we worked out what went wrong in the relationship we found out that Liz hadn’t been single since she was 18 (she was 36 when I first met her). Every time she broke up with a boyfriend, she went into a state of depression which only went away when she met another guy. And so to Liz, boyfriends equated to happiness. This co-dependency escalated as she went into the 30s, needing to ‘lock’ in her happiness with an engagement. When her boyfriend broke up with her he said that he was tired of being ‘her everything’. He was feeling so pressured to be her whole entire life that he just needed an out. One of things that make a man commit is when he truly feels like he can be himself and it’s hard to do that when he feels pressured to be another person (or all the important people) in your life.

Keeps you from knowing what truly makes you tick

When I was picking up the pieces after my break up I promised myself that no matter what guy came in and out of my life, I would always know how to be happy on my own. Instead of jumping back on dating apps, I took the time to explore all the things I love to do. It was one of the best life lessons I’ve learned to date.

The minute we stop relying on others for our happiness, the more power we claim back over our lives, the more we can truly see the value others bring into their lives. If we can be whole on our own, everything else others bring is just icing on the cake.

Think of it like this. Say you’re on a leaking boat and sinking. All you care about is finding ways to patch the leak. You’re in a state of panic and will grab whatever you can just to fix it. It’s similar to how we are when we date in fear that we’ll ‘run out of time’. All the focus is fixated on finding a man and not taking time to find the right man. But if we were to date with a mindset that we had all the time in the world, it would be like paddling through smooth waters with excitement and anticipation of the destination.

Whilst I love to help women (and men) find love, sometimes they want it for all the wrong reasons. Question for you: Why do you want to find your one’?


Iona is a Wellness Coach specialising in relationships and dating. She works with single women to write their own love stories.